Intense 365 Month 9: No Solo Drinking
Often I cry alone.
And I cry often, so I stay alone.
Drinking helped me feel a bit less bad about crying but more bad about drinking.
On the first (when I normally would have put out this new challenge), it was the 1st anniversary of my mother's death. Just writing that sentence last week in a draft sent me into a full mental recap of her final moments on Earth. I cried uncontrollably for hours, and my face was so puffy the next day I could barely see.
This has happened many times before (though not always so harshly) throughout this year. Typically, I would have quelled it with some wine or beers till the wailing dampened down to muffled sob, to a drunken sniffle, to sleep.
Drinking acted as an adult pacifier for my grief-stricken body.
I wasn't self-medicating on this level every day, but on a lot of days, I was just trying to finish feeling anything for the day I was on and get to the next one. While my personal grief was bad enough, it was the precursor to a year in which almost every next day seemed worse.
I had more family and friends die.
I grieved for the families that lost their members to police brutality.
I agonized for friends who lost jobs or had fear of losing their housing.
I grieved for those in business unable to work and for those who were vulnerable that were forced to work.
I grieved for myself, sad unemployed, displaced, and in limbo in all senses of the word.
I went into covid times with a pretty solid comfortability with little contact with others (re I cry alone) and daily helpings of ambiguity for breakfast.
Liquor gave me the one thing I could count on, the gift of sleep. It also, at times, blessed me with the ability to enjoy what I was doing. Grief, however, would inevitably make an appearance to be sure I ended the night watching Netflix through tears or scrolling through pictures before quietly sobbing to sleep.
It was no surprise that when I got my Wrapped 2020 Spotify Recap list that my most streamed song was about suicide.
Well, that tracks, but it also means that perhaps getting tipsy and listening to music alone wasn't the best idea.
While I know that my situation is unique, we all have been coping through this dumpster fire of a year, no one has been left untouched, and we have all been likely coping in different ways, some helpful others probably not.
When I restarted INTENSE365 in April it was in an effort to try to push thru grief and get back to "life," specifically my own.
You, too, may be grieving.
You, too, may be drinking too much.
You, too, may need to start getting on with your life, from wherever you are.
This month and till the end of my INTENSE365 challenge in four months is
no more drinking alone.
I chose this for a few reasons…
One
I'm alone a lot. Just by the nature of semantics, I will drink a lot less. Which for a ton of health reasons, this is just generally "better."
Two
Since I am still dealing with some grief, the lowered inhibition lets me "feel my feelings," but it also takes e-brake off of them, and it's hard to stop both the flow of tears and downward spiral of my headspace. If I'm alone, it's just not a good look. I don't want to wallow.
Three
I used to enjoy drinking (with others).
I am a social drinker and never really drank alone much, and definitely not habitual. So doing so alone feels a bit pointless, especially if it's not really that fun. I'd rather wait for happier moments, or even sad moments drunk with friends, but you usually don't wallow with others for long.
Four (and prob the most important)
I have more important things to do.
I don't have a lot of "free time." I'm always quietly working on something. (working on this post, setting up for a pop-up shop, updating inventory on my website, laundry...)
While I could sit on the couch, have a beer, and chill out (totally fine btw), escape reality and rewatch Dexter, it's just that, escapism, and it interferes with things I really want to do which is WIN.
I hope a lot of you doing fine and have made adjustments during the year to feel good /secure about where you are in life. If you are still doing the midday weekday drinking thing that many were doing at the start of the pandemic, I challenge you to just stop that.
As long as there are people still on this Earth that I care about and care to party with, I would rather drink with them. For those that have already gone, I'll collect my drink ticket from then when it's my time to show up at that party.
If this is your first time here, realize your new year can start the moment you decide.
You don't need to resolve to change but only to improve; your change will always come. It is inevitable.
Start today, just follow these rules and improve your life the way you see fit 365 days from now!
This month’s challenge is dedicated to
My Mom
I cherish the time we spent together and will always be grateful for the opportunity to share your last year with you.
The day you left will never outshine your life and
I will always treasure the memories we made.
You were an amazing person and
I love you.
